Are You an Audio Pervert?

This is the story of how I became an audio pervert. I share it with you not only in the hope that there are other souls out there like me, but so that those of you who can be saved may learn from my depravity and make your own informed decisions.

Here goes:

One sunny morning I walked into the foyer of my work and I had the unfortunate luck to not turn my iPod off before I got into an elevator. I was listening away to the highly entertaining Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning on audio. Unfortuantely for me, the volume was up too loud for that small space and I was just about to turn it down when MacKayla announced through my earphones and I'm sure into the entire elevator:

'I wanted to f**k the instant I laid eyes on it.'

Oh dear. You have never seen me turn off my iPod so fast in my life! I spent the entire elevator ride with my eyes downcast and my cheeks flaming. If only the earth could've swallowed me whole! I wanted to grab the other woman by the shirt and tell her I really am a nice, normal girl. Up until that point, the book had been fairly clean and there wasn't really much of an indication that kind of explicit sexuality was just around the corner. Whoops! From that moment on to that member of the public, the girl who's friend had once called her 'Prudence, the Mayor of Prudy Town' was officially a pervert! Damn those damned Fae, glamouring MacKayla with their sex god appeal.

The worst part is, I don't usually find sex scenes confrontational or offensive and never find myself embarrassed or ashamed of what I'm reading. If I had've been reading this, it wouldn't have even phased me. However, thanks to my new-found audio book addiction, even a mild sex scene has had me blushing beetroot red and looking from side to side as if I've done something wrong even when I haven't been so publicly busted. This has got me thinking, why is it that I feel much more modest when listening to a love scene?

I think there are a few reasons it can be a little awkward for even the most seasoned reader:

1) A passage or word that normally wouldn't be confrontational is suddenly uncomfortable when your iPod whispers it through your headphones in stereo! Think Eric Northam and the way he says, 'Oh, Sookie.....'

2) If your iPod is up too loud, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR HOW DIRTY YOU ARE! And they don't know you're listening to an audio book. They also don't know that Jamie and Claire are really really in love and that what they are doing to each other again and again and again and again is just a beautiful expression of that love.

3) It feels mighty embarrassing if a stranger asks you for something and you've got two people doing naughty things inside your head. I guarantee that if a little old lady asks you to reach something off the top shelf and the heroine is just about to be sunk by a love torpedo, you will blush!

If we risk embarrassment by listening to our steamy audios in public, where can we safely listen?

Listening while exercising is definitely out. It's unsafe and possibly even irresponsible. Your heart rate could be elevated to unsafe levels and you may fall off your treadmill.

Listening while doing housework could prove distracting. I mean, think of all the mishaps that could happen while you're balancing precariously on a chair, dusting the top shelf of your bookcase.

Listening while driving...well need I say more?

So as far as I can tell there are only two options here:

1) Suck it up and accept the fact that you may one day be revealed for the pervert you are.

2) Or condem yourself to listening only to classic books on audio where the men were gentleman and the women never imagined what was hiding beneath their trews.