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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Are You an Audio Pervert?

This is the story of how I became an audio pervert. I share it with you not only in the hope that there are other souls out there like me, but so that those of you who can be saved may learn from my depravity and make your own informed decisions.

Here goes:

One sunny morning I walked into the foyer of my work and I had the unfortunate luck to not turn my iPod off before I got into an elevator. I was listening away to the highly entertaining Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning on audio. Unfortuantely for me, the volume was up too loud for that small space and I was just about to turn it down when MacKayla announced through my earphones and I'm sure into the entire elevator:

'I wanted to f**k the instant I laid eyes on it.'

Oh dear. You have never seen me turn off my iPod so fast in my life! I spent the entire elevator ride with my eyes downcast and my cheeks flaming. If only the earth could've swallowed me whole! I wanted to grab the other woman by the shirt and tell her I really am a nice, normal girl. Up until that point, the book had been fairly clean and there wasn't really much of an indication that kind of explicit sexuality was just around the corner. Whoops! From that moment on to that member of the public, the girl who's friend had once called her 'Prudence, the Mayor of Prudy Town' was officially a pervert! Damn those damned Fae, glamouring MacKayla with their sex god appeal.

The worst part is, I don't usually find sex scenes confrontational or offensive and never find myself embarrassed or ashamed of what I'm reading. If I had've been reading this, it wouldn't have even phased me. However, thanks to my new-found audio book addiction, even a mild sex scene has had me blushing beetroot red and looking from side to side as if I've done something wrong even when I haven't been so publicly busted. This has got me thinking, why is it that I feel much more modest when listening to a love scene?

I think there are a few reasons it can be a little awkward for even the most seasoned reader:

1) A passage or word that normally wouldn't be confrontational is suddenly uncomfortable when your iPod whispers it through your headphones in stereo! Think Eric Northam and the way he says, 'Oh, Sookie.....'

2) If your iPod is up too loud, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR HOW DIRTY YOU ARE! And they don't know you're listening to an audio book. They also don't know that Jamie and Claire are really really in love and that what they are doing to each other again and again and again and again is just a beautiful expression of that love.

3) It feels mighty embarrassing if a stranger asks you for something and you've got two people doing naughty things inside your head. I guarantee that if a little old lady asks you to reach something off the top shelf and the heroine is just about to be sunk by a love torpedo, you will blush!

If we risk embarrassment by listening to our steamy audios in public, where can we safely listen?

Listening while exercising is definitely out. It's unsafe and possibly even irresponsible. Your heart rate could be elevated to unsafe levels and you may fall off your treadmill.

Listening while doing housework could prove distracting. I mean, think of all the mishaps that could happen while you're balancing precariously on a chair, dusting the top shelf of your bookcase.

Listening while driving...well need I say more?

So as far as I can tell there are only two options here:

1) Suck it up and accept the fact that you may one day be revealed for the pervert you are.

2) Or condem yourself to listening only to classic books on audio where the men were gentleman and the women never imagined what was hiding beneath their trews.


Blodeuedd said...

Giggle, I am glad it wasn't me in that elevator. of course that would happened to me too

lilly said...

OMG! That's hysterical! I am also an official audio pervert. It didn't happen in quite the funny situation you described though. I think I would die laughing in that elevator! Anyway, I was picking my husband up at the airport and when we got in the car my audio book cam right on since I didn't shut the player off when I left and it of course came on right in the mddle of a sex scene. It happened a couple of years back but he still teases me sometimes that i kill time driving by entertaining myself with 'PORN'!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'd have asked for one earbud so I could listen in too! *grin*

ibeeeg said...

Oh my God...you have me rolling on the floor laughing!!! For several of your said points, this is why I cannot listen to books such as Darkfever on audio. Gosh...I become very red faced. Reading the book is far easier on my nerves... LOL.

Annie - The Fussy Princess said...

Ladies, I am glad I am not the only one!!!!

Lilly your story is hysterical! I bet your hubby had a good laugh when that happened. LOL!

The Book Resort said...

ROTFLMAO!!! You are too much! I absolutely LOVED this. I definitely need to listen to more books... panting while exercising is ok, but steamy levels may causeme to down more water & dump water on my head... for starters. LOL.

Alaine - Queen of Happy Endings said...

I remember listening to book 4 of the Sookie Stackhouse series whilst cooking dinner and had to turn it off because my son was in the room. It was on my IPod so he couldn't hear a thing but I was getting quite flustered LOL. I also couldn't believe how much sex Jamie and Claire had in the Outlander series until I listened to some of them WOW. I swear I could hear them moaning LMAO.

Caffey said...

I can't hear music but I still had to read this, LOL. Great post!bop

Teddyree said...

Laughing my perverted little ass off.
I seem to be regularly sniggering, blushing & ahhing in the yoghurt & cheese aisle of the supermarket. However, I really wouldn't suggest listening while in the fruit & vege section; all manner of naughty images are brought to mind.
Not a good look, fondling a banana!

Sharon said...

That's too funny, bless your heart! I know how you feel. Count me in on the audio pervert, I listen to books all the time.

gaby317 said...

It's hilarious - I can just see it.

I haven't yet downloaded books to my ipod, but it sounds like i really should upgrade from my shuffle!

You're hysterical! :^) My husband is asking why I'm chuckling...

Annie - The Fussy Princess said...

Teddyree so that's why you like bananas so much? Never could figure that one out...LOL

The Book Resort - I definitely wouldn't recommend listening while on the treadmill...ALTHOUGH I've never run so fast in my life...

And Gaby, listen at your own risk. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Casey Balmer said...

I was listening to Dead until dark on the bus the other day, and someone I knew got on the bus and sat down next to me just as things were getting quite steamy, of course I blushed very red and turned my ipod off as fast as I could! haha!